Ok, how would you like to see your skills in communication dramatically improve…TODAY!  The simplest step you can take is to improve your ability to listen.

Listening Skills

When you increase your listening capacity, you increase your ability to understand.  When you increase your ability to understand, communication becomes a lot easier.

James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  God gave you two ears but only one mouth, because he wants you to listen twice as much as you talk.  That statement carries with it much wisdom.  No doubt we would be less likely to spark off in anger in our relationships if we would take the time to listen to what others are trying to get across.

So how can you immediately improve your listening ability?  Easy!  Avoid listening limiters and develop your listening disciplines.

So what are listening limiters that you should avoid?

1. Making assumptions.  Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and shame.”  Often we observe something or hear what someone says in a certain way and then we jump to conclusions.  “Oh she is just mad at me because I am late.”  Well maybe she is, but maybe it has nothing to do with you.  You don’t really know until she tells you.
2. Displaying impatience.  It takes time to communicate.  It is not something that is easily rushed.  Especially in family life.  Impatience can drive you to draw assumptions too quickly.  It also is disrespectful.  People with whom you are communicating want to sense that you care enough to really understand them.  That takes time and time takes patience.  Cut out the time you need patiently listen.
3. Exhibiting pride.  Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.”  Many of us are more concerned with looking smart rather than being smart.  If we are really going to listen we must put aside pride and assume we can learn from others.  You can learn from every encounter and from every person.  Pride will always frustrate communication.

Ok.  If those are tendencies to avoid, what are the skills you should develop?

1. Focus on more than mere words.  Communication involves so much more than mere words.  Most experts will tell you that words only convey about 7% of our communication.  Voice tone actually comprises a whopping 55% of our communication clues and the last 38% comes from our body language.  What does this mean for you?  It means if you want to listen better you must do more than listen to words.  You have to listen to voice tone and pay attention to body language.  That means that the most important relationships in your life need to be nurtured in person.  Face to face is necessary for the deepest of intimacy to be developed between persons.
2. Practice engaged listening.  What does that mean?  Simple, it means you lean into the conversation.  You tune everything else out and you give someone your undivided attention.  Now is not the time to text or watch the ballgame.  Now is the time to look them in the eye, lean forward and listen closely.  This conveys respect and greatly heightens your sensory acuity.
3. Make detailed observations before drawing conclusions.  Really look at what they are saying, how they are saying it, and how they carry their body.  Take in all the clues.  Then when you draw a conclusion, tell them what you think they are saying and have them confirm if you are correct.

Do these simple things and you will be amazed at how much easier it can be to understand other people in your life.  In addition, they will notice that you cared enough to really be attentive.  That wins relational points and makes you more effective in the lives of people.

Question:  What are tips you can share that can improve our ability to listen and understand the people in our lives?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

When I have conflict with my wife, my kids, or with people at work, I want to retreat and just pray the tension will go away.  But that never solves the problem.

Resolving Conflicts

Most people hate confronting conflict.  But that often adds to the crisis.  Conflicts rarely get better simply with time.  They must be worked through in order to reach some understanding and ultimate resolution.

In today’s post I want to give you biblical principles for working through tensions between you and others.  I use these principles to work through conflicts in my family and at work.  As a Pastor, I am often asked for advice on such matters.  This is what I tell them.

Principle #1:  Sooner rather than later.  Jesus said, “Settle matters quickly with your adversary.” (Matthew 5:25)  It is usually best to address an issue sooner rather than later.  Putting things off only makes things worse, addressing them quickly values the relationship and communicates you care.

Principle #2:  Face to face is often best.  Working through relational conflict or misunderstanding is a tender process.  It involves sensitive communication and listening skills.  This is not often achieved through the phone and even less effective when done through texts or emails.

It is often said that only 7% of communication comes through words, the rest is accomplished through voice tone and body language.  Obviously, face to face communication will accomplish so much more.  Texting through conflict almost always cultivates ground for deeper misunderstandings.

Principle #3:  Know why you are meeting.  It is good to know why you are getting together to resolve the conflict.  Here are three good reasons for meeting to work through an issue…

1. When I know I am in the wrong.  Jesus says, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there…first go and be reconciled to your brother.” (Matthew 5:23-24)  Too many people, even when they know they are in the wrong, fail to make it right.  Many conflicts could easily be resolved by coming and saying a heartfelt, unqualified “sorry.”
2. When I believe I have been wronged.  If we think we have been wronged and that it needs to be worked through for the relationship to be healthy, go and work through it.  Don’t go talking to everyone else about it.  Go to the person with whom you have become crossways.
3. When I am not sure what is wrong.  This can happen a lot.  You are not really sure what has gone wrong, but you know it is something.  It is good to meet with the person to ask if something is wrong.

Principle #4:  Humility is a necessity.  Don’t expect relational conflicts to resolve without a humble demeanor.  Arrogance and self-righteousness causes the other person to put up defenses.  When we fail to be humble, often we miss just how much we might have contributed to the issue at hand.

Do these three things to approach the issue with a humble spirit…

1. Do a self exam.  Jesus says we are to “get the plank out of our own eye.”  So often we are a part of the problem.  Take an honest look at yourself and the part you played in the relationship that is currently hurting.  Sometimes the opening line of a meeting to work through conflict can be, “I have seen that I have contributed to your frustration.  I am sorry about that and wanted to talk it over with you.
2. Choose not to be easily offended.  Assume the best from people.  Rarely do people seriously seek to hurt those around them.  Sometimes it is very unintentional.  Cut some slack and try not to take everything personally.
3. Put yourself in their shoes.  Maybe you are upset with them, but what if you were in their situation.  Think about it.  Sometimes that will provide just the insight you need to feel better about the situation and give you the empathy you need to forgive them.

Principle #5:  Communicate for clarity.  There could be a lot more said here.  I will write about it in future posts.  But suffice it to say you have to share your thoughts, perceptions, concerns, hurts, fears, and wants.  It is the only way to be understood and eventual work through the issues that have you in conflict.

Question:  Do you have other principles for conflict resolution that have helped you.  Share it with us.  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

I had led our people to achieve something truly big, everyone was celebrating the victory.  On the outside I celebrated as well.  But inside I was tired, lonely, fatigued, and struggled with a sense of failure.  I was depressed.

Depression

These kinds of emotions can touch any Christian leader, whether that leadership is in business, education, government, or the church.  Consider the example of Elijah.

Elijah was a great prophet who spoke God’s Word in perilous times.  The King and Queen had led the people away from their faith in the One True God into an idolatrous worship of a false god.  They had persecuted and killed the LORD’s prophets.  Elijah challenged the religious leaders of the false god to a showdown.

Two sacrifices were offered, one to the false god and one to the LORD.  Elijah said the one who consumes the sacrifice by fire is the true God.   As you would expect the false god did not consume the offering, but the LORD did.  The people shouted, “The LORD—he is God!” (1 Kings 18:39)  Elijah’s faith was vindicated and his cause gained the victory.

You would think Elijah would be jubilant.  He was not.  The Queen, upset about her defeat, threatened to kill Elijah.  The prophet ran for his life.  He ran and ran, collapsed under a tree and prayed that he might die.  He went from celebration to depression.

Elijah had experienced four conditions that can trigger depression in a leader.

What are those conditions?

1. A victory achieved.  Elijah had experienced a victory.  It seems counter-intuitive to think that he would be down after that.  But this is typical.  Often times we can have a let-down after an achievement.  We dream of hitting the pinnacle of success, we dream and dream.  But then we reach the pinnacle and we say to ourselves, “Is this it?  What do I do now?”  Have you ever felt this let-down after completing something important?  It’s normal.
2. A failure perceived.  Sure Elijah had seen God bring the victory.  But with the Queen threatening his life, it was obvious many in Israel were still living in rebellion to God.  Elijah’s mission was to point the people to God.  So he felt like a failure.  We can always find something to focus on in our lives that can make us feel like we failed.  When I was depressed after a great victory, I focused on the opportunities I had missed or the things yet to be achieved.
3. A loneliness that goes unrelieved.  Elijah had reasons to feel alone for a long time.  For years he felt like a lone voice in the wilderness and now he was alone, running for his life.  When we are lonely we can easily struggle with our faith, and if it is severe we can even despair of life.  Leadership always has a touch of loneliness attached to it.  But we must never allow ourselves to pull away from community and deep friendships.  We must have caring people to talk to and lean on.  I do not know what I would have done without such people in my life at times when I was down.
4. A pace that results in growing fatigued.  The prophet had been on a relentless ministry run for years.  He had spoken God’s Word, confronted the King, challenged the followers of a false god, and run for his life.  He was tired.  It was Vince Lombardi who said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.”  When you get tired, for long enough, your will, your faith, can falter.  It is so important that you take care of yourself, get rest, eat right, and find godly ways to meet your emotional needs.

Knowing that these conditions can trigger depression in a leader is the first step in heading things off at the pass.

Question:  How can being aware of these triggers help you navigate through the down times in leadership?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.